I know I’ve been missing in action for months now. I am exhausted! Life is kicking my ass. I just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know what I’ve been up to in as few words as possible.
As I already mentioned, I am exhausted. I’m suffering from extreme fatigue right now thanks to Lupus. I haven’t skated since June because, in addition to my fatigue, I have an issue with my sciatic nerve. I just started physical therapy again last week. Ugh.
I have been very selective in booking jobs because of the pain I’ve been experiencing. And as a direct result of having absolutely no energy, I am behind in post production. Just the thought of how many galleries I have yet to edit makes my head spin.
So, I will try to stop by everyone’s blogs as I find the time. I miss reading your musings. Hope all is well.
I have been really strong for months now… taking everything in stride, not feeling sorry for myself, never really crying or grieving the loss of my beautifully slender ankle… until now. Wanna know why? I am experiencing pain that cannot be explained away. In fact, the doctors have no idea what I’m talking about. Since I broke my ankle, my knee has been bothering me, like really bothering me. At every progress visit that I have had with my physical therapist and surgeon (separately), I would describe the pain and they would each look at me like I had two heads. I’m not making this shit up! It’s just like when I was sick all of those years with different ailments, 10 years in fact, before I was ever conclusively diagnosed with Lupus. I was so relieved to finally have a diagnosis, after so many years of my family and different doctors thinking I was crazy or a hypochondriac.
But I digress. Here’s the deal, I go about my day doing my usual activities, and I’ll do something as simple as crawling across the bed; as soon as my knee hits the bed, the pain shoots up through my knee and I cry out, sometimes with tears in my eyes. To add insult to injury, I have these huge bruises that won’t go away. My surgeon said that it may be years before my leg returns to it’s normal, uniform color; he followed that up by saying that my bruises were like tattoos from the iron and blood deposits that pooled in my leg during my convalescence. Tattoos!?! So I have these ugly, shapeless, semi-permanent tattoos all over my right leg. That sucks! And last but certainly not least, I have yet another pain that I think may be related to my broken ankle; when I stand up from a sitting position, it doesn’t matter what I’m sitting on and for what length of time, I have a horrible pain in my tailbone as if someone kicked the shit out of me! My husband asked me if I wanted him to take me to the hospital today and I said no. The reason I said no is because I don’t wish to be poked and prodded right now. I’ve had enough of that. With my Lupus, there’s really not a day that goes by where I don’t experience some kind of pain. I am always in pain. Some days are better than others. However, the pain is usually just dull and constant. Pain is my cross to bear. So why am I complaining about it right now? Because the shooting pain that I have been experiencing as of late is not my norm and I’m afraid that it may become my norm. That is all. I don’t even know how to end this post…
Posted in Derby Hurts, Lupus, Surgery
Tagged broken ankle, Bruises, derby hurts, hematomas, Lupus, pain, strong, surgery, tailbone
I am in a world of pain right now. Like, I seriously wanna cry. I was on my feet for waaaaay too long today cooking… I haven’t “cooked” since before my injury and now I see why. OMG! I couldn’t really take pain meds as I’m not stable on my feet and I was using knives. I always think back to the Final Destination” movies when it comes to things like that. Funny, I never thought about those movies while on the track doing roller derby. I can’t explain that.
That’s neither here nor there. Again, I am in a world of pain right now. Feels like someone is sticking scalpels (yes, plural), into the medial malleolus of my right tibia. I have a very high threshold for pain, as I am in pain almost everyday of my life thanks to my lupus and RA, so I normally don’t complain about pain; I push through it. No pain, no gain. But imagine, if you will, how easy it would be for someone with my pain threshold to overdo it, and perhaps injure myself even more.
Which is precisely why I’m done for the night! I will NOT be doing anything else that requires me to be on my feet; I’m horizontal from here on out. I just thought I’d share. Oh, and please do forgive me if I’m talking in present, past and future tense… I simply cannot bear to correct myself right now.
Posted in Derby Hurts, Lupus, My Broken Ankle, Roller Derby
Tagged broken ankle, cry, derby hurts, Injury, Lupus, medial malleolus, pain, rheumatoid arthritis, Roller Derby, sharp, shooting, stabbing, tibia, Trimalleolar fracture
I took my prescribed dose of pain meds an hour ago, at 4am. Here it is 5am and I’m awakened by a very sharp, shooting pain in my big toe. According to my surgeon, I am on the highest dose of pain meds that I can take safely, coupled with my daily Lupus regimen. I am going to try to get some more shut-eye by mentally blocking out the pain transmitters. I’ll let you know how I do…
What exactly does that mean? For me, it means that I cannot move one step ahead, one foot above, not even one step back. I am literally paralyzed. I don’t even feel like I could fall backwards into the abyss. No, I feel like my feet are planted in cement. I feel like my heart is as solid as stone. I feel like my brain is mush. I feel my emotions taking over but it’s like that movie “The Serpent and the Rainbow”, I can’t move and no one can see my consciousness. I’m screaming and no one can hear me. I’m crying inside but I can’t will those damn tears down my face so that someone, anyone can see them. I can’t move. I am completely overcome with helplessness and hopelessness. I am so sick of being here, in this emotional state. I feel like it’s “Groundhog’s day” everyday! Have you ever felt like that?
I was cleaning up over the weekend and came across a couple of letters that I wrote to my beloved. I’m not sure if they were ever delivered, only one was found with an envelope. They were so simple, yet poignant in their simplicity. I was taken back to the exact moments that I sat writing those letters, tears streaming down my face (both then and now). My doctor has asked me recently, “How long have you been unhappy? Or, better yet, can you tell me the last time that you were happy?” Happiness is relative, I know. But relatively speaking, I was stumped. I didn’t have an answer. Finding those letters dated well over a decade ago answered at least part of that question. It let me know that I have been in this perpetual state of emotional instability for over a decade. I do not cry for attention. In fact I would testify on a stack of bibles that not more that 6 people living today have ever seen me cry. My therapist has yet to see me cry. There was a formation of tears trying to will themselves out of my tear ducts during one extremely painful session, but alas, I held them back. Those tears are not for her. Those tears are not for him. Those tears are not for them. Those tears are not for you, dear reader. Those tears, these tears, are mine and mine alone.
I have been hurt so much in my life in such a short amount of time. I forgive those that helped facilitate my pain, but I never forget. I can’t. I own that pain. I can’t seem to let it go. I don’t remember the physical pain of a blow to the body or the dull pain from a forceful “fall” onto a hard floor. However, I do remember the hushed voices of adults using derogatory terms to describe a child (me). I remember the look on their faces when they intentionally hurt me. I remember the absence of humanity in their eyes. I remember the sting of their nasty words. I still feel their phlegmy saliva spat in my face. And what’s worse than all of those thoughts running rampant in my head? Well, you know I’m a photographer and I photograph EVERYTHING. So, when I come across pics that depict my injuries and/or the look of hurt and shame on my face, it takes me back to those moments in time. Like Michael Franks sings “The Camera Never Lies”. Sometimes in life, you can push your pain and hurt deep down inside yourself and even make yourself believe that whatever happened really wasn’t all that bad or perhaps you imagined the whole thing. But those pictures bring every little nuance back and you’re in that moment again. Paralyzed by fear…
Posted in Depression, Fear
Tagged depression, emotional abuse, emotional instability, groundhog's day, pain, Paralyzed by fear, physical abuse, tears, the serpent and the rainbow, Unhappiness
Why do I continue to hurt those that I love? How is it possible that I can be so miserable when I’m surrounded by people who love me? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to anything. I don’t even know why I feel unhappy. I have no idea why I cry uncontrollably at times. I cannot grasp the concept of taking my own life, yet I have always felt that I will die young. I am in so much pain. The emotional pain sometimes overshadows the physical pain that I endure on a daily basis. Lupus was a diagnosis that came with a sigh of relief for me. I was relieved to finally have a name for all of the pain that I have endured for years. Yes, years!
I made up my mind on Saturday that I would no longer seek happiness for myself, rather I would make sure that everyone around me was happy. And then on Sunday, something happened that pretty much derailed my plan….
Do you know it personally? I do. We are very intimate. I am in so much pain…. emotional, physical, spiritual, financial….PAIN! What gives? I can’t win for losing. I don’t mean to take a defeatist stance but as soon as I feel better about any given situation, something comes along and the rug is pulled from under me. I can’t take much more.
I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am miserable. I am miserable. I am miserable. I am hopeless. I am hopeless. I am hopeless. I am depressed. I am depressed. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am anxious. I am anxious. I am unhappy. I am unhappy. I am unhappy. I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am repeating myself? Yes! Is the repetition driving you crazy? Yes! Imagine how I feel. You get to read it, or not. I have to live it!! There is no “not” to it, for me. Everyday is like groundhog’s day for me. And I just want to wake up one morning and experience a new, different day.
That was all my emotional crap coming out. I haven’t even touched upon the physical. I have been in physical pain for 4 consecutive days now. I haven’t been laying around feeling sorry for myself. No. In fact I have been to the gym the last two days trying to work out the kinks, to no avail.
So…. what to do? I can’t go through life with puffy eyes from crying and not getting enough sleep. I don’t get enough sleep because I’m anxious. I cry because I don’t get enough sleep. I cannot control it. The tears just flow. I’m not even a crier, waterhead, crybaby, Sensitive Sally, or any other name that you would call a person that cries a lot. I am such a strong person, but Lupus is kicking my ass!! Argh!!