Tag Archives: inconsolable

What’s the Point?

What is wrong with me? I am inconsolable. I feel like “what’s the point?” about everything right about now. My birthday is on Sunday and usually I celebrate my birthday for the whole month of August. But right now, all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and cry. I can’t even bring myself to make reservations for my birthday dinner at Morton’s or Ruth’s Chris. And I am well aware that there probably aren’t any openings now. I just feel so full. But I feel so empty. These feelings used to be occasional at best, but now they’re almost every week! How can you feel both full and empty at the same time? How am I supposed to deal with these conflicting feelings?Writing used to be cathartic for me. I have journals all over my house, hopeless entries abound. On days when I feel good, I may stumble across one of the journals and read an entry. It’s like reading someone else’s life and it’s so sad. I feel such empathy for that person and it makes me cry all over again but this time as a spectator. I want to help that person, but I cannot. No one can.


Why do I continue to hurt those that I love? How is it possible that I can be so miserable when I’m surrounded by people who love me? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to anything. I don’t even know why I feel unhappy. I have no idea why I cry uncontrollably at times. I cannot grasp the concept of taking my own life, yet I have always felt that I will die young. I am in so much pain. The emotional pain sometimes overshadows the physical pain that I endure on a daily basis. Lupus was a diagnosis that came with a sigh of relief for me. I was relieved to finally have a name for all of the pain that I have endured for years. Yes, years!

I made up my mind on Saturday that I would no longer seek happiness for myself, rather I would make sure that everyone around me was happy. And then on Sunday, something happened that pretty much derailed my plan….

Lupus is a minor inconvenience……

…sometimes and sometimes it can be the most devastating aspect of my life. My rheumatoid arthritis is rearing it’s ugly head today. Right now, I feel so sad. I feel depressed. I feel anxious. I feel sick to my stomach. I am inconsolable. I feel full. There are tears welled up in my eyes. My back hurts. My neck hurts. My legs are sore. My hair is falling out. I am fatigued. I am sleepy. My fingers are sore, thank God they’re not swollen today. I feel like my body is falling apart, like in that silly movie “Death Becomes Her”. 

My hair is VERY important to me and always has been. When it first started thinning, I didn’t let it bother me so much. My husband was surprised, as was I, that I was taking it so well. Well, today as I was flat ironing my hair and I see how much further my hair has thinned I am taken aback. I’m not sure if I can handle it so well this time.

For the last few years I have been able to “grin and bear it”, the pain that is. I have been consoled by the fact that although I felt like shit, I looked good and no one could tell that I was sick. I didn’t hide my illness. I just didn’t tell everyone because I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me or treating me differently. Well guess what? I need to be treated differently. I don’t have the same stamina that many women my age have. I cannot walk long distances sometimes and it’s not because of my shoes (I wear heels the majority of the time, my Steve Madden gym shoes even have a heel). Flats make my shins hurt because I’m not used to working the muscles used when wearing flat shoes.

I am trying to live my life one day at a time. Most days I feel blessed that my kidneys are not involved in my illness right now. My nephrologist, Dr. Keith Bellovich, is the greatest doctor. He tells me that I am very lucky that I am in the condition that I am in right now. This condition can probably be attributed to my eating and excercise habits. I normally don’t eat garbage, and I walk a lot, go swimming, rollerskate, and play tennis. All of these activities take my breath away and I usually have to take a break every 25-30 minutes, lest I pass the hell out!

I don’t even know where I’m going with all of this. I guess I just wanted to put what I’m feeling, no matter how nonsensical it sounds, into writing. I’m all over the place with my thoughts and this is because my feelings and body aches are all over the place. There is no rhyme or reason to what my body does. It is attacking me. I am not the enemy. Lupus is.