Due to the current financial situation caused by a slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Employees selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
An employee may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Employees who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). For obvious reasons, employess who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Employees who have not been RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been specially trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.