Tag Archives: crying

Today I cried…

I suffered a Trimalleolar Fracture (ankle fractured in three places), on May 19th, 2012, during my first roller derby bout. I will write more about that day in a separate post. I did not cry when I broke my ankle nor have I cried since, that is until today. While I have been in pain since my surgery on May 20th, 2012, I have remained upbeat and have not allowed any self-pitying. FYI: I’m usually late to the pity party and sometimes I don’t even show up.

Fast forward to today. I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and after a look at my x-ray, the doctor says that my ankle is healing up nicely. So far, so good. That is until they removed my cast and revealed the nasty Frankenstein leg that has been a part of me for the last few weeks. Eew. I couldn’t see my ankle very well (bad angle), but I did take a few pics. This is what the thing looks like:


I was still doing relatively well. Smiling while talking to Dr. Balazsy and Dr. Kim. Only slightly grimacing as I had to hold my ankle at a 90 degree angle while Dr. Balazsy applied my hot pink cast. I hopped out of there with my new cast and Hello Kitty crutches with the help of my most handsome and capable son Eric. We don’t really get along (too much alike), but Eric has helped me tremendously! I don’t know what I would do without him.

I’m home now, and as I looked at these pics I couldn’t help but cry. When I mentioned to Dr. Balazsy that I had finalized plans to go to Miami for my 40th birthday in August, he told me that I probably won’t be able to do a lot of walking without my ankle swelling. I think that put me over the edge. I have finally realized that I really fucked my ankle up! I injured myself doing something that I love to do and I have no regrets. That being said, I can’t help but feel sad for all of the time that I’m about to lose in rehabilitating this ankle. I’ve already been on bedrest since my surgery on May 20th and I don’t forsee a whole lot of activity in the near future. So, here I lay, leg elevated, body medicated and mind reeling. I’ll be better tomorrow, but today I cried…

What’s the Point?

What is wrong with me? I am inconsolable. I feel like “what’s the point?” about everything right about now. My birthday is on Sunday and usually I celebrate my birthday for the whole month of August. But right now, all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and cry. I can’t even bring myself to make reservations for my birthday dinner at Morton’s or Ruth’s Chris. And I am well aware that there probably aren’t any openings now. I just feel so full. But I feel so empty. These feelings used to be occasional at best, but now they’re almost every week! How can you feel both full and empty at the same time? How am I supposed to deal with these conflicting feelings?Writing used to be cathartic for me. I have journals all over my house, hopeless entries abound. On days when I feel good, I may stumble across one of the journals and read an entry. It’s like reading someone else’s life and it’s so sad. I feel such empathy for that person and it makes me cry all over again but this time as a spectator. I want to help that person, but I cannot. No one can.


Why do I continue to hurt those that I love? How is it possible that I can be so miserable when I’m surrounded by people who love me? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to anything. I don’t even know why I feel unhappy. I have no idea why I cry uncontrollably at times. I cannot grasp the concept of taking my own life, yet I have always felt that I will die young. I am in so much pain. The emotional pain sometimes overshadows the physical pain that I endure on a daily basis. Lupus was a diagnosis that came with a sigh of relief for me. I was relieved to finally have a name for all of the pain that I have endured for years. Yes, years!

I made up my mind on Saturday that I would no longer seek happiness for myself, rather I would make sure that everyone around me was happy. And then on Sunday, something happened that pretty much derailed my plan….


Do you know it personally? I do. We are very intimate. I am in so much pain…. emotional, physical, spiritual, financial….PAIN! What gives? I can’t win for losing. I don’t mean to take a defeatist stance but as soon as I feel better about any given situation, something comes along and the rug is pulled from under me. I can’t take much more.

I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am miserable. I am miserable. I am miserable. I am hopeless. I am hopeless. I am hopeless. I am depressed. I am depressed. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am anxious. I am anxious. I am unhappy. I am unhappy. I am unhappy. I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am inconsolable. I am repeating myself? Yes! Is the repetition driving you crazy? Yes! Imagine how I feel. You get to read it, or not. I have to live it!! There is no “not” to it, for me. Everyday is like groundhog’s day for me. And I just want to wake up one morning and experience a new, different day.

That was all my emotional crap coming out. I haven’t even touched upon the physical. I have been in physical pain for 4 consecutive days now. I haven’t been laying around feeling sorry for myself. No. In fact I have been to the gym the last two days trying to work out the kinks, to no avail.

So…. what to do? I can’t go through life with puffy eyes from crying and not getting enough sleep. I don’t get enough sleep because I’m anxious. I cry because I don’t get enough sleep. I cannot control it. The tears just flow. I’m not even a crier, waterhead, crybaby, Sensitive Sally, or any other name that you would call a person that cries a lot. I am such a strong person, but Lupus is kicking my ass!! Argh!!