Pain

I have been really strong for months now… taking everything in stride, not feeling sorry for myself, never really crying or grieving the loss of my beautifully slender ankle… until now. Wanna know why? I am experiencing pain that cannot be explained away. In fact, the doctors have no idea what I’m talking about. Since I broke my ankle, my knee has been bothering me, like really bothering me. At every progress visit that I have had with my physical therapist and surgeon (separately), I would describe the pain and they would each look at me like I had two heads. I’m not making this shit up! It’s just like when I was sick all of those years with different ailments, 10 years in fact, before I was ever conclusively diagnosed with Lupus. I was so relieved to finally have a diagnosis, after so many years of my family and different doctors thinking I was crazy or a hypochondriac.

But I digress. Here’s the deal, I go about my day doing my usual activities, and I’ll do something as simple as crawling across the bed; as soon as my knee hits the bed, the pain shoots up through my knee and I cry out, sometimes with tears in my eyes. To add insult to injury, I have these huge bruises that won’t go away. My surgeon said that it may be years before my leg returns to it’s normal, uniform color; he followed that up by saying that my bruises were like tattoos from the iron and blood deposits that pooled in my leg during my convalescence. Tattoos!?! So I have these ugly, shapeless, semi-permanent tattoos all over my right leg. That sucks! And last but certainly not least, I have yet another pain that I think may be related to my broken ankle; when I stand up from a sitting position, it doesn’t matter what I’m sitting on and for what length of time, I have a horrible pain in my tailbone as if someone kicked the shit out of me! My husband asked me if I wanted him to take me to the hospital today and I said no. The reason I said no is because I don’t wish to be poked and prodded right now. I’ve had enough of that. With my Lupus, there’s really not a day that goes by where I don’t experience some kind of pain. I am always in pain. Some days are better than others. However, the pain is usually just dull and constant. Pain is my cross to bear. So why am I complaining about it right now? Because the shooting pain that I have been experiencing as of late is not my norm and I’m afraid that it may become my norm. That is all. I don’t even know how to end this post…

End?

Today I cried…

I suffered a Trimalleolar Fracture (ankle fractured in three places), on May 19th, 2012, during my first roller derby bout. I will write more about that day in a separate post. I did not cry when I broke my ankle nor have I cried since, that is until today. While I have been in pain since my surgery on May 20th, 2012, I have remained upbeat and have not allowed any self-pitying. FYI: I’m usually late to the pity party and sometimes I don’t even show up.

Fast forward to today. I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and after a look at my x-ray, the doctor says that my ankle is healing up nicely. So far, so good. That is until they removed my cast and revealed the nasty Frankenstein leg that has been a part of me for the last few weeks. Eew. I couldn’t see my ankle very well (bad angle), but I did take a few pics. This is what the thing looks like:

I was still doing relatively well. Smiling while talking to Dr. Balazsy and Dr. Kim. Only slightly grimacing as I had to hold my ankle at a 90 degree angle while Dr. Balazsy applied my hot pink cast. I hopped out of there with my new cast and Hello Kitty crutches with the help of my most handsome and capable son Eric. We don’t really get along (too much alike), but Eric has helped me tremendously! I don’t know what I would do without him.

I’m home now, and as I looked at these pics I couldn’t help but cry. When I mentioned to Dr. Balazsy that I had finalized plans to go to Miami for my 40th birthday in August, he told me that I probably won’t be able to do a lot of walking without my ankle swelling. I think that put me over the edge. I have finally realized that I really fucked my ankle up! I injured myself doing something that I love to do and I have no regrets. That being said, I can’t help but feel sad for all of the time that I’m about to lose in rehabilitating this ankle. I’ve already been on bedrest since my surgery on May 20th and I don’t forsee a whole lot of activity in the near future. So, here I lay, leg elevated, body medicated and mind reeling. I’ll be better tomorrow, but today I cried…

I’m in a world of pain right now.

I took my prescribed dose of pain meds an hour ago, at 4am. Here it is 5am and I’m awakened by a very sharp, shooting pain in my big toe. According to my surgeon, I am on the highest dose of pain meds that I can take safely, coupled with my daily Lupus regimen. I am going to try to get some more shut-eye by mentally blocking out the pain transmitters. I’ll let you know how I do…