A Look Back at 2017 via SnapChat

I made thousands of snaps in 2017, this is a compilation of a couple dozen or so. The burlesque dancer is a performer at Detroit’s 2017 Theatre Bizarre Burlesque Show. 

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Who are these folks that are bored all of the time?

Ya know, I’ve never understood the term “I’m bored”. I’m always so consumed with something, be it writing (haven’t been doing much of that lately), photography (all that I can think about much of the time), spending time with my family (love them so much), vintage-scoring, shopping, styling (pairing all those vintage pieces I scored with the new trendy pieces I cop from DollsKill, WetSeal and NastyGal), reading (scratch that, who has time to sit still and read? Not I; my nightstand is the transient home of a few books that I am in the middle of reading), skating (haven’t been skating because my frankenankle has been bothering me), housework, crafting (wig-making is my current craft obsession), taking care of two 65 lb. dogs, going to the gym, yoga… my mind is always on. In fact, I’m not very successful with my yoga practice because I can barely turn my mind off for the hour-long class…

What gives? Who are these people that are always bored? I wish I could be bored for just an hour. A couple of weeks ago I was at the car dealership getting my son’s car serviced and it was so awesome to just sit down and do nothing but flip through a magazine, but I still wasn’t bored. I didn’t feel like I was wasting my time sitting there for however many hours I may have sat. It was a welcome reprieve from the daily minutia of my “never bored, always on” existence.

Oh and social media? Fuggedaboutit! I haven’t been on IG in months, FB every few weeks to post pics only (I really dislike FB but EVERYONE is on there… UGH!) I’m almost nonexistent on Twitter. The only social media that I have actually updated has been my Tumblr and that’s because I don’t have to interact much on there. I just post something and bounce.

I’m actually surprised that I was able to get these few words out. Wow. I can go now… because, you know I have a ton of stuff to do… I mean, who’s going to not read that stack of books on my nightstand if not I?

Good night.

M.I.A.

I know I’ve been missing in action for months now. I am exhausted! Life is kicking my ass. I just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know what I’ve been up to in as few words as possible.

As I already mentioned, I am exhausted. I’m suffering from extreme fatigue right now thanks to Lupus. I haven’t skated since June because, in addition to my fatigue, I have an issue with my sciatic nerve. I just started physical therapy again last week. Ugh.

I have been very selective in booking jobs because of the pain I’ve been experiencing. And as a direct result of having absolutely no energy, I am behind in post production. Just the thought of how many galleries I have yet to edit makes my head spin.

So, I will try to stop by everyone’s blogs as I find the time. I miss reading your musings. Hope all is well.

Lenette 😉

Just got off the plane…

I’m here. They’ve been waiting for me, holding up a sign with my name on it. I have officially arrived in my dark place; looks like nothing has changed, it’s just as I left it. A place so dark that I can’t see through my veil of tears. Nothing and no one is welcome here. I do not wish to talk to anyone on the phone or in person to tell them how I feel, because quite frankly, I may tell them to fuck off! So, the only way that they will get any insight into my dark place is to read this post.

Happiness being relative, I can honestly say that I am unhappy. I don’t give a fuck if anyone thinks that I have it better than some people. Who are they to say that? From the outside looking in, they may assume that I have it better than most and they would be way off base.

No material possession can make me feel better right now. No one person can make me feel better right now. I am responsible for my happiness. Of course I cannot control someone else’s actions but I can control my reaction and I haven’t been doing a great job of that lately. It would appear that I am a glutton for punishment, I assure you I am not. My lack of focus and apparent misery prompted the following question, “Is there someone else?”, to which I replied, “Yes… Me. I am the other person”. To be clear, I am in my own way and that’s what’s so fucking sick about the whole thing. In my heart I know what I need to do in order to make myself happy, which in turn will make everyone else happy, yet I can’t.

There’s this fear that has me paralyzed. The fear of failure. I know that if I don’t move, I will die; perhaps not literally, but my very soul will cease to exist and I will merely inhabit a physical form. Actually, if I continue to have these overwhelming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, I may kill my physical self; not at my own hand, mind you, but as a bi-product of depression and/or anxiety coupled with my Lupus, Sjogren’s, Raynaud’s and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Stress makes my illness(es) flare-up, so living stress-free is tantamount to my well-being. This very moment, my spirit is on life support and my stress level is off the charts. I almost wish it was over already.

Not to assign blame, but there are some members of my family that really fucked my head up! All those years of rejection added up to me creating this person who I thought my loved ones wanted me to be just to stay in their favor. My first few years on this earth were rife with instability, turmoil and rejection, I felt worthless; no child, especially under the age of 5, should be made to feel that way. Once I was in a more stable home environment, I was told over and over again that I was smart, pretty and funny, but the damage had already been done.

Everyone in my life may be having an easier time than me dealing with my illness or, it could be argued, a more difficult time. Their support or lack thereof, doesn’t diminish the fact that I am sick. The physical pain is secondary to the emotional pain and I don’t know how long I can live like this.

I made a vow to myself, sometime last year, to live authentically and I was making progress, truly. However, I may have fallen off track and reverted into this being that is foreign to me, all to appease the people that I love. I feel like I have to choose between their happiness and mine, which sucks.

Moja Polska Rodzina. I’m sure one of my readers will correct my Polish, if need be ;)

Me and my cousin Steve. I’m very short as you can see.

Steve and my youngest child Elijah, who at 13 years old is catching up to Steve, height-wise. He’s taller than everyone in our house. LOL!

So, my cousin Steve, whom I had never even heard about, came to visit me a couple of weeks ago (his sister lives in St. Clair Shores). He is our family’s genealogist and came bearing gifts, the greatest of which was our family tree dating back to Poland, 1856. I am thankful that he found me by way of this very blog, or else I would have never known he existed. It’s a long story, but to shorten it just a bit, my grandmother was not so proud of her mulatto grandbaby (me). Whoever said blood is thicker than water was obviously not the czarna owca of their family. It was a sign of the times, I guess. What are ya gonna do? Sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Life gives you lemons, you make koolaid, or something like that. Hmmm…. are there any other cliches that I can add here? Ah, yes, at the end of the day… at the end of the day, all that matters is that I was found. Laughing out loud (I just had to type that out)!

But I digress. Steve lives in Colorado with his wife Jane, daughter Emily and son Clark. He has visited our homeland (Poland) many times and even visited my great-grandparents’ grave. If you read my earlier post, which detailed my grandmother’s treatment at the hands of the Nazis, you may remember that my great-grandfather’s body was never recovered. So his grave is empty, it’s just a memorial really. Isn’t that messed up? Ugh! The atrocities! And for anyone to even dispute what happened way back when under Hitler’s regime, well, that’s just appalling.

Following are pics of my great-grandparents Helena Madalinska & Tadeusz Kryska along with a picture of their tombstone. I am very grateful for cousin Steve to share these with me. I would like to go and see their tombstone and hometown for myself one day, but ya know, I may get some crazy looks. I mean, look at me. Do I look Polish to you or do I look more Latina? Exactly! However, anyone that knows me, knows that I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me…. anymore. The most important opinion is my own, when it comes to acceptance and rejection. It took me forty years to get to this space and I like it. I like it a lot!

My great-grandparents. Look at the roundness of Helena’s face, this is where I get my fat face from. Wow.

My great-grandparents’ grave. My great-grandfather’s body is not in this tomb, for it was never recovered.

I guess I’ll go to sleep now. I have to be to physical therapy in a few hours and I’ll need my strength. I’ll post more pics as I get them.

Dobranoc.

Lenette 😉

Live Your Life!

Once you start living in fear, you stop living.

I forgot to post this on my blog when I posted it on Instagram. Better late than never.

So Unhappy Right Now

I wish I could teleport myself to a place far, far away… Like, really fucking far away! Ugh!

I am Free

There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do.

~ Anais Nin

Transcending reality by dressing up; here as the super hero that I know myself to be, which is Wonder Woman–I am free. I cannot hear the voices that may say “Grow up Lenette,  you’re too old to play dress up!”–I am free. If I had listened to all of those negative voices growing up, I wouldn’t be here now–I am free. My imagination has afforded my the ability to survive through some very difficult times in my life–I am free. I know that I have many more difficult times ahead of me, they’re of no consequence–I am free.

Quote of The Day – Not a Tourist

I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy.

~ Anais Nin

Quote of the Day – No More Walls!

I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.

– Anais Nin

Quote of the Day

I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.

– Anais Nin

Quote of the Day

You’ve got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing.

– Arthur Ashe

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Posted in LIFE, Quote of the Day, Roller Derby, Work - Career

Tagged Arthur Ashe, Go For It, Quote of the Day

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