Dear Mommy,

Why did you go and leave me? Were you ashamed of your little dirty secret? Your little mulatto baby? I thought you loved me…. Wasn’t my hair sandy enough for you? Weren’t my eyes big and bright enough for you? Big as marbles and as light as the sun setting in the desert. I know you loved my caramel colored skin… At least, I thought that you did. Didn’t you? How about my little “ski-slope” nose? You know, the one I inherited from you, straight from Poland? Wasn’t I inquisitive enough? Oh, I get it… I was too inquisitive.

Mommy? Hello? Mommy…. are you paying attention? I look just like you. Was that what drove you away? I mean, other than your blond hair versus my sandy brown hair, and your blue eyes versus my sunset brown eyes, I look just like you. That must have been very difficult, looking at a miniature version of yourself. Perhaps you were feeling that you were a failure and not wanting to see your little doppelganger suffer the same fate? I loved you Mommy. I loved you so much.

I love you Mommy…

4 responses to “Dear Mommy,

  1. I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me when I was 6 months old.

  2. @jadeamethyst I’m so sorry to hear that. I have dealt with rejection and abandonment issues my WHOLE life! It’s so hard some days to just compose myself. The tears flow so freely.

  3. You say that your mother was in prison and had HIV. You are mourning for her which is perfectly natural. Judging from her letter she thought about you but it was not in her power to be there for you. You don’t mention a dad. Has he been there for you? Because you did not receive enough love, give your love to another human being or creature. It might be a friend, a stranger, an acquaintance, a family member, a colleague, a fellow student, a baby or even an animal. Through giving you will get back. Tried and tested! I am sorry for your loss.

    My mother, I suspect, was autistic, therefore I cannot blame her entirely. She rejected me but her sisters, my aunts, compensate and love me. It was not in my mother’s power to be there for me. I am trying to forgive but it colours everything I do and feel. This wretched rejection keeps occurring like a phantom from the past. I am also alone and trying to cope. Bless you.

  4. @JadeAmethyst I haven’t mentioned my father because he died when I was 11. My father was so awesome! He loved me unconditionally. I wrote a short post recalling the day that he died. I Loved him so much but really didn’t realize how awesome he was until I became an adult. My father was cheating on his wife with my 19 year old mother when she became pregnant with me. She may have been a prostitute then and he a john, but I have no way of knowing that for sure, with them both being deceased. He maintained during his lifetime, that my Mommy left me and she maintained that he took me from her. At any rate, he stepped up. The black father gets such a bad rap, but my father took care of all of his children. He brought me home to his wife! I was the product of an affair and he said “fuck that, this is my baby and I’m raising her.” Just thinking about it makes me so sad, because I remember being such a bad, misguided child and wishing for my father’s death. Just because he was strict. My father is the reason that my relationships with men have always been… admirable? I’m not sure what word would describe my past relationships. Let me just say that every “serious” relationship that I was in garnered a proposal of marriage. I went after men/boys that reminded me of my father in some way or another. I know a lot of women nowadays don’t understand their “worth”. I think my father instilled in me some sense of worth despite the rejection that I received from my Mommy.

    But I digress. This year I will be 40. I have made a vow that I will live my life authentically. And I have been. I love myself and I’ve been investing in myself. Everything that I’ve always wanted to do, I’ve taken steps toward.

    I really appreciate your kind words. It’s so nice to encounter people with similar stories. I am so sorry to hear that your mother may have been autistic. I know how debilitating autism can be for not only the autistic person, but their family as well. A lot of people that don’t know anyone who’s autistic have no idea how draining it can be to deal with an autistic person.

    I wish you only the best. Being alone can be isolating and suffocating at the same time. As much as I enjoy my solitude, it’s at these times that I am most reflective and become hopeless and helpless. I’m sorry to hear that you feel alone. I want you to know that you can always talk to me. I am here.

    Love and God Bless to you.

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