Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

So now I just can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I CAN’T BREATHE! Can you hear me now? Have you ever been so full that when you try to cry it gets caught in your chest and you can’t breathe? I cannot breathe/I cannot die. I am full/I feel empty. I cannot get everything out/there’s nothing there. I can tell you that all is well/I don’t want to tell you anything. You understand/you’ll never get it. I don’t want to exist/I want to live. Life is hard/death is easy… for losers. I am a winner/I am losing. He makes life bearable/he makes living easier/they make life a necessity/they make living enjoyable/she made life possible/she makes living lonely. I am not a loner/I am lonely. Life in constraints is freeing/living freely is prison.

You have Lupus/you suffer from anxiety/you are depressed/you have Sjogren’s Syndrome/you also have Reynaud’s/you are still grieving/your PMDD is getting worse/I think you may also be suffering from RLS/your ANA results were positive/you are a textbook case/you are quite lucky that your kidneys are not involved…. yet/You have Lupus. You have Lupus. You, my dear, have Lupus.

Think you’re having a hard time trying to figure out what I mean? I’m having a hard time trying to articulate it.

2 responses to “Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

  1. God is able to keep you during this time of bad news but I pray that you will learn to breathe and deal with your Chronic Illness.

    You are not dead just a little sick, it will be okay. Turn in the Lord and do not lean to your own understanding.

    I’ll be praying for you!

  2. Right now you are a contrast, which is how lupus can be. The one good thing about lupus is that it can go into remission and grant you a reprieve for a while. I hope your writing can truly be a release for you and help ease your depression. I sense your passion and pray it will by your ally.

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